Tribalism Part IV: Mommy Wars

        In continuation of my feminist post, I am going to dive a little deeper into the subject of motherhood.  I know that a lot of blog posts have been written lately on mommy wars, but I will add my perspective to it.  In order to understand where I am coming from, I think a picture will help:

        This is my minivan full of kids.  I have dreamed of this my whole life.  I spent my childhood playing with dolls.  Whenever I played the Game of Life, I didn’t care if I had the most successful life or the most money at the end.  I felt that I had won if I had my car full of kids.  The other day I was joking with my husband that I waited to be born the year the minivan first came out, because I had to be sure that I could get one.

        This dream of mine has been much more challenging than I ever thought possible, but I still love it.  It’s me.  When I look at this picture, it activates the pleasure center of my brain.  I know that the same image would activate the amygdala (fight or flight) of other people’s brains.  We’re all different.  Some women want to be mothers and have lots of kids, some don’t.  Some women choose to stay home while others work.  There are so many ways to be a mom and raise children.   But instead of celebrating those differences, we divide into tribes and fight over the “right” way to be a mom and raise kids.

        Since being initiated into the world of mommy wars, here is a list of some of the things I have done “wrong”: I had my kids too early, I also had them too late, I had too many kids, but I also haven’t had enough kids, my spacing was too close, I birthed them wrong, I breastfed them wrong, I discipline them wrong, I send them to the wrong school…the list goes on and on.  I think this list is something that most moms can relate too and even add to. 

        Part of the problem is ethnocentricity.  The reason we use ethnocentric language is because it really is hard to see things from another’s perspective.  Because a picture of my four kids in a minivan gives me pleasure, it might be hard for me to understand that not everyone gets pleasure out of that.  I get annoyed at the comments people make about me all the time because I hear them all the time.  But I know they are made simply because someone who isn’t doing what I’m doing day in and day out will look at my life and feel overwhelmed.  Everywhere I go I hear, “Wow! You have your hands full!”  “Is she your last one?”  “You just stay home with your kids?”  “You know how those are made right?” 

        I heard some working mothers talking the other day about the things they hear all the time that annoy them:  “How do you DO it all?”  “How do you know that your daycare is a safe place for your kids?”  “Who taught your child to read and play the violin?  Your nanny?”  Once again, I think these statements and questions come from people who look at a life choice and feel uncertain about it because it is not their own. But these comments come with huge assumptions that just because you are a working mom, you can’t also be a fully engaged mom who teaches her child to read or play the violin.    Onlookers don’t really need to be making these remarks, because for career women and SAHMs, these things are already heavy on our minds. 

        The choices we make as mothers are not easy.  It’s not easy to stay home and raise a large family.  It has been the most difficult thing I have ever done.  It has expanded my capacities beyond what I though was possible.  It is a challenge financially, but I know many SAHMs who are incredible at finding creative solutions to money problems.  We teach our kids piano and swim lessons, work together with other moms to form co-op pre-schools or dance groups, cut coupons, and become really good at bargain shopping.  It is challenging mentally and emotionally, but these incredible women I associate with rise above it every day.  Yes, we have mounds of laundry and dishes that never end.  We are tired and frazzled and at the end of our rope with a certain child who is acting up.  Some days are monotonous, some days are stressful or tiring, and some days are perfect.

        It’s also not easy to be a career mom.  I can only know this from listening to other women.  But the internal struggle sounds similar to mine.  Just like me, she has mounds of laundry, children who act up, and not enough hours in the day to accomplish what she needs to do.  Most of her fears are fears that I share.  And underlying it all, am I doing the right thing?  Isn’t that what we are all asking?

        I remember being told when I was a new mom and used a pretty strict method with my baby that encouraged her to sleep through the night fairly early, that I was ruining my child because I let her “cry it out.”  I looked at my ever-happy four-month-old, and then and there declared that the idea of ruining your child is a myth.  As long as you are trying to do what is best for your child, it is not likely that you will ruin him/her.  We have to do what is best for ourselves, our kids, and our own family units.  People on the outside can’t possibly know what that is.  

         I think the reason moms often feel threatened by the choices of other moms is that they challenge the “rightness” of our own choices.  I want to know that my life choices are valuable and that I am doing the “right thing.”  But if I’m doing the right thing then someone else must be doing the “wrong thing.”  It can be hard to get beyond seeing the world in black and white.  I don’t actually believe anymore that there is a right or wrong way to be a mom.  There is no perfect way to produce a good child, a strong family, or a happy mom.  In fact, there are many imperfect ways.  We don’t need to add more pressure to women who are already wondering if they are doing the right thing.  Our hearts will tell us what the right thing is for us.  Let’s end the mommy wars.  Let’s listen to our hearts and let other people listen to theirs.   We are all different.  We have different bodies, different minds, different interests, different talents, and different life experiences.  Based on those things, we can make parenting decisions that are just right for us and our families.    

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