Tribalism Part III: Feminists vs. Non-feminists

        Oh feminism!  I say this with a sigh right now because I feel fatigued from running back and forth between the two tribes.  Why don’t I ever hear about masculinism?  Perhaps because men have had the ability to define themselves and the world around them since the days of Adam.  Women are only just beginning to enjoy a loud enough voice to define themselves.  From my vantage point however, it appears that tribal warfare is keeping us from fully defining ourselves. 

        Let’s look at the warfare: first the tribal language.  I’ve heard feminists call those outside their tribe “Sexists.”  While that is a characteristic that can exist among non-feminists, it is not fair to use that one characteristic to define a whole group of people.  In western culture, I think one of the main forms of sexism that exists is benevolent sexism, which places women above men as moral superiors, rather than beneath them.  People who use this form of sexism often don’t even know that they are doing it or that it is harmful to both genders.  I recently heard someone say that the feminist movement just caused women to be as base as men.  He was referring to Miley Cyrus’ performance at the VMAs without even mentioning Robin Thicke who was an equal participant in that performance.  If men and women are truly equal then women are equal to men in their ability to be base as well.  Another phrase I have heard a lot lately is that women are more nurturing than men and that is why they belong in the home.  Once again, we are placing women above men in their ability to be nurturing, thus subjugating them to one role for which they may or may not be well suited.  This also causes self-fulfilling prophecy, in that men don’t have to learn to be nurturing because that is not in their nature.

         So sexism does exist, but it is not a good word to describe all non-feminists.  As I mentioned in my last post, it is wrong to take the deep and complex personality of someone and narrow it down to one characteristic.  It is also wrong to do this with a group of people.  It is especially ineffective to do this when the person or group of persons doesn’t even know that they are doing it.  Benevolent sexism can seem like a really good thing.  If someone thinks that sexism is the idea that women are not as good as men, then going to the other extreme and saying they are better than men can seem…well, benevolent.  But both extremes are dangerous.  Men and women are equal, plain and simple.  To say anything else is sexist.  That doesn’t mean that the person or group saying it is sexist, it only means that the idea is sexist.  Ideas don’t make up a person and ideas can change. 

        The characteristic I most often hear in reference to feminists is “angry man-haters.”  Some feminists are angry, some rightfully so.  Some feminists do in fact hate men.  But there are so many forms of feminism and so many different issues that appeal to different women within the realm of feminism, that it really is not fair to characterize all feminists as angry or as man-haters.  In fact, some feminists are even men.  If a feminist hates men, it may be that she was hurt badly by men.  The best way to know what a feminist is truly about is to listen to him or her.  I have found groups of feminists that I relate to and groups that I don’t.  It never hurts to listen.  In fact, a lot of the “angry” characteristic that is associated with feminism could be diminished if people just listened to them and understood them.      

        I have seen quite a bit of ethnocentricity coming from both tribes.  I think non-feminists tend to be content with the status-quo and it is hard to see how other women can be hurting because of it.  Instead of really trying to understand that pain, non-feminists use their own experience as a reference point and start coming up with reasons why they think women might be fighting for more freedom.  “You just don’t understand how valuable you are.” “You don’t value your femininity.” “You want to be exactly the same as men.”  “You want to be better than men.”  The problem with making these kinds of remarks is that they are huge assumptions about the motives behind another person’s actions or beliefs.  Anytime we make assumptions like that, we are in grave danger of being wrong and only adding to the problem.  It is always better to lay aside our own understanding and try to really listen to the other person.    

        That goes for feminists too of course.  I have heard some feminists make remarks about women who chose to live “traditional” lifestyles as stay-at-home mothers and housewives, who suggest they are not living up to their potential.  Their feeling is that these women allowed themselves to be subjugated and what they are doing is not as worthwhile as a woman who is contributing to the world in another way.  I read a book recently by a muslim female doctor.  While I really liked her story of how she overcame sexism to get where she was at, I couldn’t get past the comments she kept making about housewives.  It was as though she expected women who stayed home and raised large families to all be desperate, undereducated, and to have let themselves go.  Her mentality sounded something like this: “I can’t believe she looks so good considering she is just a housewife with three little kids.”  It’s really not fair for a career-oriented woman, even one who had to work so hard to get where she is at, to look at a stay at home mom in this light. 

        I am going to delve deeper into the sub-tribal warfare that we often call “mommy wars” in my next post, but the main point for me is that there are many different ways to live and experience life.  Ethnocentrism makes it hard for us to look at other people’s life choices and to be okay with them.  This is what draws me to feminism.  The kind of feminism I like to promote tears down walls that say that one way of living is better than another.  My feminism desegregates the sexes and relieves the world of arbitrary gender roles that say men should be this and women should be that.  My feminism makes use of all of our talents and abilities to maximum capacity without any thought of whether that is the proper role for that person.     

        I haven’t always been a feminist.  In fact, this is the first time I have actually called myself a feminist.  Until just recently I could count on one hand the number of times I have felt unequal to men in my own culture.  I didn’t see the harmful effects of benevolent sexism.  My life choices fit well with my society’s expectation for women, so I have not had to deal with a lot of the bullying that comes from going against the cultural current.  But my eyes have been opened to the negative impact that specific gender roles can have on society. 

        This all came to a head for me about a month ago after I had spent some time myself experiencing the negative impact of gender roles.  I was at McDonalds with my seven-year-old daughter.  She didn’t like the toy she got in her happy meal so she went to the counter to trade it.  The lady laid out all the toys, segregated of course, and said, “These are the boy toys and these are the girl toys.”  My daughter frowned and walked away with the toy she already had.  I didn’t think much of it until I heard her and my son fighting.  She was trying to manipulate him into giving her his toy.  I sat down and asked her why she didn’t take that toy when it was offered to her by the McDonalds employee.  “Because it’s a boy toy,” she said.  My heart broke for her.  Here she was only seven years old, already learning that she can’t do or have certain things simply because they are for boys.  Here she was at the age of seven, already learning that the way to live in a man’s world was through passive-aggressive manipulation.  I asked her what else she thought boys could have or do that girls couldn’t.  I was amazed at the long list she produced.  My intelligent seven-year-old daughter who likes bugs more than babies deserves to make her own decisions in life.  Her choices should not be based on a set standard of gender roles.      

        That’s what feminism is to me.  It’s about being able to dream as little girls, and make our dreams a reality.  As women, I don’t think we should be on different sides pitted against each other.  We should all be fighting for feminism.  Feminism is the right and ability to define ourselves and the world around us.  It is the freedom to be who we are as individual women, with respect, love, and acceptance from the collective womanhood.